Why I Stayed

I waited almost a year to file for divorce. Ironically, even though my husband claimed to be in love with this other woman, he didn't file for divorce either. He did end up getting his own place to "think" a few months after his big announcement. Everyone knew his father was dying. What we told our friends and even family was that he was going through a lot and needed some time to himself. The kids thought we were rich because we had two houses.

Through some of the work I'd done, I was pretty sure he'd never file. When asked, he would always say he loved me and didn't want to get divorced. And even though cheating had always been a deal breaker in our marriage, I didn't divorce him. I bought enough throw pillows for our bed that my friends laughed that there was no way I planned on him coming back. Once he left, the master bedroom became a very chic, very feminine room. But I didn't file for divorce.

In no particular order, I present the reasons why I stayed.

1. I was scared. I had been a stay-at-home mother for 10 years. And even though I looked fabulous on the outside, as in no-one-in-the-entire-world-knew-my-world-was-crumbling, I was scared out of my mind. 
2. We had told our children we'd always be together. I was devastated by the idea they might grow up in a broken home. It was never part of the plan. We actually told our children that they NEVER had to worry about us getting divorced. We weren't those kind of people. Literally. Divorce was not something we EVER talked about. I mean, we never even fought, much less in front of our kids. My gosh, he had given me diamond earrings and a new wedding band six weeks before he was sleeping with this new love of his life. There was no reason for our kids to think anything was wrong. 
3. I seriously thought he was mentally ill. And in my vows, which I took seriously, I said "in sickness and in health". 
4. I didn't want to be a divorced mother of two. I didn't want to be in a grocery store with two kids without a "ring on it". It might sound dumb but I just didn't.
5. His father was dying! His family had become my family. Even though many people in my life have been father figures, his father remains the closest and longest father figure to me. I didn't want to lose him either. I couldn't deal with losing him and going through a divorce at the same time. I couldn't put my children through the emotions of losing their Papa and a divorce at the same time. 
6. Logistically, it just didn't make sense. I consulted with an attorney. I knew what my rights were and I didn't like the options for divorce that I was presented with. I needed to finish school and I could just as easily do that married as I could divorced. 
7. I had a strong belief in God and I didn't believe divorce or what was going on in my family was God's will. I believe God brought us to CO and it wasn't so my husband could cheat and break up his family. I believe that if God can heal illnesses, why not hearts? Did I love my husband then, after learning what he'd done? NO! But I knew God could fix it. 
8. I didn't trust my husband to do what he said he would do. He said he'd take care of me and the kids no matter what. I just didn't believe him. It was easier to focus my energies on taking care of the kids and going to school rather than going through a divorce. My name was still on the bank accounts as long as we were married.
9. I didn't care about being right ... if I did, I would have left. I would have filed for divorce and "taken him to the cleaners". I decided to operate on the principle of doing what was good rather than doing what was right. My guiding question became, "what is good for my kids?" I got a very different answer each time I asked that (as opposed to what is "right" for my kids). 
10. I wasn't interested in anyone else. I know this sounds strange but I wasn't interested in dating so being "married" wasn't stopping me from doing anything that I wanted or needed to do. 

During the time period that we were separated, he broke it off with his girlfriend twice to try to work on our marriage. Both times, he didn't actually work on our marriage. And neither did I for that matter. I'm not sure what I was supposed to "work on" - how do you treat a spouse who has cheated on you, left you to "find himself", and could barely stand to be around his own children? I figured the fact that I hadn't physically harmed him in any way, well, that was my work. And besides, I was busy taking care of our children 24/7. During the time we were separated, he had the children over every other weekend and for a Wednesday evening dinner visit, if even that. And he lived less than three miles from us.

After the second time, three months after his father passed away, after finally telling me he wanted a divorce (although he had himself just been to an attorney but had not filed the papers) AND that I was fuckin' stupid for believing in God, I stopped staying.

I finally decided that it was no longer a "good" thing for our children for me to be married to their father who didn't want to live in the same home as them. It was no longer a "good" thing to be married to a man who had a girlfriend. It was no longer a "good" thing for my kids that their father thought that my belief in God was fuckin' stupid.

I retained the attorney that I originally consulted with and I filed.